lukon_idein (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lukon_idein) wrote2005-01-28 02:05 pm
lukon_idein) wrote2005-01-28 02:05 pm
Life blows
I think that pretty much sums it up. No matter how hard you work or how good your intentions are, it all pretty much winds up sucking. So then, of course, one wonders why one bothers in the first place. And that pretty much leads to not bothering. Which leads to becoming a cynical, bitter hermit who'd rather spend 20 hours in bed bemoaning fate instead going outside and enjoying fresh air or talking to friends (or even attempting to make friends at all).
And then I start obsessing over mating, or lack thereof. There is no way I will ever fall in love - I've accepted that much of things. Too selfish and self-indulgent and generally emotionally closed off. But then I think maybe I should be at least trying for some sex or something. Of the three of us chicks who started this program in the fall, two have already shacked up with some guy. And I look at them both like they have two heads and wonder why they would possibly want that. How could they get that close to someone that quickly? And why when they have tons of work to do would they want to add relationship issues to the mix? It seems like they were feeling isolated by this experience and the only way they could cope was by finding a man. I don't get it. But I suppose I really wonder if I am some sort of abnormal freak for not craving a man - or even a woman, for that matter - of my own. Fantasizing is fine, but in the real world I wouldn't touch a relationship with a ten foot pole. Hmmmm. Guess I need therapy or something. So I can conform to society's expectations of me. Or at least understand why I can't.
Damn, I could really go for some pad thai and a beer right now. Or some crack.
Enough self-indulgence for the day. Time to read about the colonization of the western Mediterranean in the 8th c. BC. Oh boy.
And then I start obsessing over mating, or lack thereof. There is no way I will ever fall in love - I've accepted that much of things. Too selfish and self-indulgent and generally emotionally closed off. But then I think maybe I should be at least trying for some sex or something. Of the three of us chicks who started this program in the fall, two have already shacked up with some guy. And I look at them both like they have two heads and wonder why they would possibly want that. How could they get that close to someone that quickly? And why when they have tons of work to do would they want to add relationship issues to the mix? It seems like they were feeling isolated by this experience and the only way they could cope was by finding a man. I don't get it. But I suppose I really wonder if I am some sort of abnormal freak for not craving a man - or even a woman, for that matter - of my own. Fantasizing is fine, but in the real world I wouldn't touch a relationship with a ten foot pole. Hmmmm. Guess I need therapy or something. So I can conform to society's expectations of me. Or at least understand why I can't.
Damn, I could really go for some pad thai and a beer right now. Or some crack.
Enough self-indulgence for the day. Time to read about the colonization of the western Mediterranean in the 8th c. BC. Oh boy.