Life blows

[lukon_idein]

I think that pretty much sums it up. No matter how hard you work or how good your intentions are, it all pretty much winds up sucking. So then, of course, one wonders why one bothers in the first place. And that pretty much leads to not bothering. Which leads to becoming a cynical, bitter hermit who'd rather spend 20 hours in bed bemoaning fate instead going outside and enjoying fresh air or talking to friends (or even attempting to make friends at all).

And then I start obsessing over mating, or lack thereof. There is no way I will ever fall in love - I've accepted that much of things. Too selfish and self-indulgent and generally emotionally closed off. But then I think maybe I should be at least trying for some sex or something. Of the three of us chicks who started this program in the fall, two have already shacked up with some guy. And I look at them both like they have two heads and wonder why they would possibly want that. How could they get that close to someone that quickly? And why when they have tons of work to do would they want to add relationship issues to the mix? It seems like they were feeling isolated by this experience and the only way they could cope was by finding a man. I don't get it. But I suppose I really wonder if I am some sort of abnormal freak for not craving a man - or even a woman, for that matter - of my own. Fantasizing is fine, but in the real world I wouldn't touch a relationship with a ten foot pole. Hmmmm. Guess I need therapy or something. So I can conform to society's expectations of me. Or at least understand why I can't.

Damn, I could really go for some pad thai and a beer right now. Or some crack.

Enough self-indulgence for the day. Time to read about the colonization of the western Mediterranean in the 8th c. BC. Oh boy.

Comments

[timetiger.livejournal.com]

Well . . . it is January. At least, nothing much looks all that good to me this time of year -- maybe it's the same with you?

Anyhow, nobody who writes Remus/Bill like you do is gonna end up a cynical, bitter hermit.

[lukon-idein.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, it could be the season, very true. That whole lack of daylight and all. Also after spending a very enjoyable few weeks home over Christmas it's a bit tough to go back to having no friends and living in the Pit of Hell (no offense, if you're from Texas! But then even native Texans feel my pain for having live in this soulless abyss.) Thanks goodness there's slash to help us through!

Thanks for your encouraging words about my writing. I fear you caught me - all my secret, hidden hopes that the world isn't such a bad place seem to make my way into the Remus/Bill pairing. It just seems to me it would be fresh and hopeful -- Bill is old enough that he wouldn't looking at Remus as a teacher/mentor, and yet young enough to liven things up and not get bogged down in cynicism. I'm all for Remus/Severus (mmmmm... Snupin) but they have such a complicated relationship filled with baggage and mistrust that any hope one finds is usually very small and hard-won. And of course Remus/Sirius has the whole cheery death problem. :)

Thanks so much for dropping me a line! It's neat to know someone out there is nice enough to check in on me now and then.

[(Anonymous)]

What the hell? I was just reading one of the PM folk (one my age who got her BA the year I did) who is pissed off, sorry, that PISSED OFF that she is making a shit wage as a teacher with no appreciation and all she really wants to do is either get the hell out of there to make a better living (no go w/ husband and two kids), get her PhD, or go on the dole.

As for the relationship thing, it's not all it's cracked up to be for many of us (finding myself one of those), and I say go at it like a man: find someone you fancy and fuck him. No expectations of a ring or even a toothbrush at his house required. But I'm in a shit mood too so my thoughts on this might not be best.

The (ex)Roomie who wants to be a hermit and is fast becoming one.
(who still hasn't taken down the spare bed)

[lukon-idein.livejournal.com]

Heya (ex)Roomie! It must be something in the air. Though, as someone else has suggested, it could be the season that is leading to universal feelings of despair and ambitions of hermitage. But I checked out that bit on the forums and she does sound like she is in a totally shitty situation. Low wages suck, but they SuperSUCK when trying to raise a family at the same time. I keep joking to people here that I can't wait to finish up my PhD so I can move on to my career as a bookseller at Barnes & Noble, but then I start to wonder how much I'm actually joking. But at least I'm not trying to feed kids. Yikes.

Well that's just my point - relationships seem to be more stressful than they're really worth, so I can't understand why people are jumping right into them like frightened lemmings. Strangely I was just talking to a guy in my class who is all for the idea of just finding someone you like well enough to go out with once in a week or so and have some good sex with, so then you can both go about your separate business the rest of the time, especially since we are in grad school so we're all basically itinerant and ideas of settling down in a "meaningful" relationship that's "going somewhere" is a bit silly. Of course it's really my inability to let go and fuck someone that's at the root of my problem. Repressed much? But maybe he'd be a good candidate.... even if I am 5 years older than him (okay, 7 years...). Ugh. Not that that's stopped you! So are you not enjoying being the in land of the Attached? Is it just the long-distance issue, or are there other cracks in the foundation of Paradyse? You? In a shit mood? I just can't picture that.... (wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

Keep on truckin', babe! Boy does THAT date me!!! (Next I'll be getting you a BJ and the Bear calendar.)