Life blows

[lukon_idein]

I think that pretty much sums it up. No matter how hard you work or how good your intentions are, it all pretty much winds up sucking. So then, of course, one wonders why one bothers in the first place. And that pretty much leads to not bothering. Which leads to becoming a cynical, bitter hermit who'd rather spend 20 hours in bed bemoaning fate instead going outside and enjoying fresh air or talking to friends (or even attempting to make friends at all).

And then I start obsessing over mating, or lack thereof. There is no way I will ever fall in love - I've accepted that much of things. Too selfish and self-indulgent and generally emotionally closed off. But then I think maybe I should be at least trying for some sex or something. Of the three of us chicks who started this program in the fall, two have already shacked up with some guy. And I look at them both like they have two heads and wonder why they would possibly want that. How could they get that close to someone that quickly? And why when they have tons of work to do would they want to add relationship issues to the mix? It seems like they were feeling isolated by this experience and the only way they could cope was by finding a man. I don't get it. But I suppose I really wonder if I am some sort of abnormal freak for not craving a man - or even a woman, for that matter - of my own. Fantasizing is fine, but in the real world I wouldn't touch a relationship with a ten foot pole. Hmmmm. Guess I need therapy or something. So I can conform to society's expectations of me. Or at least understand why I can't.

Damn, I could really go for some pad thai and a beer right now. Or some crack.

Enough self-indulgence for the day. Time to read about the colonization of the western Mediterranean in the 8th c. BC. Oh boy.

Comments

[timetiger.livejournal.com]

Well . . . it is January. At least, nothing much looks all that good to me this time of year -- maybe it's the same with you?

Anyhow, nobody who writes Remus/Bill like you do is gonna end up a cynical, bitter hermit.

[lukon-idein.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, it could be the season, very true. That whole lack of daylight and all. Also after spending a very enjoyable few weeks home over Christmas it's a bit tough to go back to having no friends and living in the Pit of Hell (no offense, if you're from Texas! But then even native Texans feel my pain for having live in this soulless abyss.) Thanks goodness there's slash to help us through!

Thanks for your encouraging words about my writing. I fear you caught me - all my secret, hidden hopes that the world isn't such a bad place seem to make my way into the Remus/Bill pairing. It just seems to me it would be fresh and hopeful -- Bill is old enough that he wouldn't looking at Remus as a teacher/mentor, and yet young enough to liven things up and not get bogged down in cynicism. I'm all for Remus/Severus (mmmmm... Snupin) but they have such a complicated relationship filled with baggage and mistrust that any hope one finds is usually very small and hard-won. And of course Remus/Sirius has the whole cheery death problem. :)

Thanks so much for dropping me a line! It's neat to know someone out there is nice enough to check in on me now and then.