Lukoni's Lair of Lethargy

So, I'm still alive... barely. I've been sick for over two weeks and it's totally drained my energy and will to live. But, I'm back in the library at last, studying away. Or pretending to at least.

And since my friend, Ms. E., just asked for more insane Roman quotes, I will provide two for your reading pleasure.

First, from De Medicina by Celsus (VII.16), writing in the 1st century AD. It's pretty self explanatory, and frankly, freakin' icky - and yet, curiosity compelled me to keep reading:

"Sometimes the abdomen is penetrated by a stab of some sort, and it follows that intestines roll out. When this happens we must first examine whether they are uninjured, and then whether their proper colour persists. If the smaller intestine has been penetrated, no good can be done, as I have already said. The larger instestine can be sutured, not with any certain assurance, but because a doubtful hope is preferable to certain despair; for occasionally it heals up. Then if either intestine is livid or pallid or black, in which case ther is necessarily no sensation, all medical aid is in vain. But if intestines still have their proper colour, aid should be given with all speed, for they undergo change from moment to moment when exposed to the external air, to which they are unaccustomed. The patient is to be laid on his back with his hips raised; and if the wound is too narrow, for the intestines to be easily replaced, it is to be cut until sufficiently wide. If the intestines have already become too dry, they are to be bathed with water to which a small quantity of oil has been added. Next the assistant should gently separate the margins of the wound by means of his hands, or even by two hooks inserted into the inner membrane: the surgeon always returns first the intestines which have prolapsed the later, in such a way as to preserve the order of the several coils. When all have been returned, the patient is to be shaken gently: so that of their own accord the various coils are brought into their proper places and settle there."

There's more, but I guess I'll leave it at that. Yikes. Anyone who says they want a time machine so they can go back to days of yore might want to read this before they fuel up that flux capacitor.

And, on to the incomparable Martial. Writing in the late 1st century AD, he was master of the epigram - short poems usually with some sort of witty twist to them. He actually reminds me of Oscar Wilde, in that he seems to effortlessly stab people through the heart with his pen, and the world he reveals is populated with nasty, venal, vain and greedy people. But he is so brilliant you can't stop reading. And of course his blatant crass language is also engrossing. I came across this one the other day and *had* to share. Apparently the Romans were really into the removal of body hair. Who knew? Sadly, the translation can't reveal Martial's brilliant use of language, but the idea comes through loud and clear, and all I can say is OUCH!

-90-
"Why do you pluck your aged cunt, Ligeia? Why stir up the ashes in your tomb? Such elegances befit girls; but you cannot even be reckoned an old woman any more. Believe me, Ligeia, that is a pretty thing for Hector's wife to do, not his mother. You are mistaken if you think this is a cunt when it no longer has anything to do with a cock. So, Ligeia, for very shame don't pluck the beard of a dead lion."

Just minding my own business, trying to research ancient uses of lead, and what should I find?

"Leaden plates are applied to the region of the loins and kidneys for their comparative chilly nature to check the attacks of venereal passions, and the libidinous dreams that cause spontaneous emissions to the extent of constituting a kind of disease. It is recorded that the pleader Calvus used these platses to control and to preserve his bodily strength for laborious study."

Wow. Um. Great. Thanks for the info, Pliny. I take it there's no Latin word for OVERSHARE?? And no matter how much I might want this masters, there is no way I'm strapping lead plates to my nether parts for it!!!
:P