Wallowing as usual

Well, it's August already. I'm sitting around brooding again. Fucking loser. I try to get myself to do something productive and useful, but then I just think 'why bother' and end up sitting at my computer reading more fucking fanfic. I wonder if there's some sort of support group for fanfic addicts. I think I need it. So many ideas and scenarios and emotions. It's such an endless world of possibilities. Don't like the way a series ends? Just write a new one. Aya bleeding his life out by a mailbox in New York City? No problem. Friendly neighborhood cops Dee and Ryo find him and take him to the hospital. Voila. Life saved. And possibly a nice threesome can ensue, like the cherry on top of the sundae. Everything's right again. (Though I'm not sure I can see Ryo doing a threesome... but I'm sure someone out there could figure out a way to get him into it.) Imagining the possibilities is fun. Gorging on melodrama so satisfying. But so bad for me. It makes it harder and harder to accept reality. Where people really die and are blowing themselves up in order to kill others. Oh fuck it. I'm so bad at keeping a journal. I'll probably go back and read this in two days and die of embarassment and then come back as a ghost just to delete it.

I even wrote a story where I projected all my angst on some poor unsuspecting character who was minding his own business and not bothering anyone. But I guess I'll post it anyway. Until shame overwhelms me and I trash it. But that is one of the good things about having a journal that nobody reads. There's no worry about being flamed or ridiculed. It reminds me of the song Sad Songs and Waltzes - a great song made even greater by Cake's straightforward and therefore strangely ironic take on it. It has the fabulous lyrics:

I'm writing this song all about you
A true song as real as my tears
But you've no need to fear it
'cause no one will hear it.
Sad songs and waltzes aren't selling this year.

Love that song! So anyway, in the aftermath of Half Blood Prince, I've been wandering around some of my other favorite fandoms to see what's up (why can't I find a good Saiyuki fic, dammit? They're all so OOC dammit), and have revisited the wonderful world of one my first fanfic obsessions - Gundam Wing. Oddly, I got hooked on the fic before I'd even seen the show. After a few stories I finally had to go lookup pics of the characters so I could at least picture them in my head. Then I did break down and rent the whole thing. It was awesome in its own inexplicable way. All that talk about the glory of battle that made no sense whatsover. (My roommate and I laughed our asses off at the Gundam Wing drinking game. And the Treize Kushrenada 'Got Milk' ad - fucking brilliant. And whenever Heero stated he was going to kill someone was pretty much a guarantee that the someone was going to live a long and happy life.) But of course with all those hotties running about with their guns and their angst, who cares what's supposed to be going on. The best hunk of wisdom about the show I ever read was from some fansite that was giving a rundown on all the characters, and I think it was under Heero where it said something like "But then Gundam Wing wouldn't be nearly so much fun if all the characters weren't marginally insane." So true.

And my favorite insane psycho was Trowa. Sure Duo had the hot hair and all, but I'm always drawn to the quietly brilliant ones who know what they're doing and don't have to say anything about it. Sure Heero was like that too, but he was more of a machine. Trowa managed to be sensual at the same time. And of course the VOICE - oh GOD - that voice is AMAZING. The Japanese one, I mean. So low and gentle and creamy and perfect. (Speaking of which, does anyone else find it hard to believe that Toshihiko Seki who voices Duo also voices Genjo Sanzo in Saiyuki??? Talk about no way! They're at least an octave apart and one is perky and the other is sex on wheels. I just can't reconcile it. Does not compute. {Error} {Error} {Error} *smoke puffs out of ears*) Sorry. Random digression. So Trowa is my fave. I'll read him in any pairing. Quatre, Heero, Duo, Une, Zechs (mmmm), Treize, Tsubarov (yes, there is at least one out there). He's so fucking hot. I'd probably even read one with him and Relena. Maybe. *shudders* Anyway, he was the unwitting receptacle of my latest bout of angst. So I wrote this.

Title: Dry Rot
Author: Lukoni
Pairing: None
Rating: G
Summary: Trowa, on his life after the war
Author's Notes: Completely lame. I apologize to anyone who reads this.

( Dry Rot )

It's probably completely OOC since Tro-man is way too cool to brood. But still. I like the idea that it is easy to accept the idea that one's skills are no longer needed and that's good, yet the reality is harder to live with. I suppose it's really the issue that Wufei was going through in Endless Waltz. But not everyone can get into a Gundam and trash the hell out of the planet when they feel useless and lonely. And that's not Trowa's style.

Well, I'd better wrap this drivel up for now. Sorry to be such a whiner. I've been going a little mental down here in the middle of nowhere with no friends and no supervision at work. Idle hands and all...

Sayonara!