Sooooooo Grossed Out

Ugh, so I'm house-slash-petsitting for this family with 3 cats, 2 dogs and a handy pet door. Handy, you think? Perhaps not so much. So it's midnight and I'm thinking, hmmm, I'm a bit sleepy, perhaps I'll go to bed. Not an unreasonable thing to think, really. And so I head off toward the bedroom, shutting off lights as I go, and there by the front door is the largest of the three kitties chewing on something. Hmmmm, I ponder, what to you suppose that is? It kind of crunchy sounding.... a little claw cleaning, perhaps? No such luck. More like rodent skull crushing. Great. So I panic briefly and hide in the bedroom wondering what to do. Chase the beast away from its prize? Wait till it's done and hope most of it gets eaten? Not likely. Bad plan. Definitely have to get rid of it ASAP. So what best to pick it up with? A shovel I decide. So I head to the garage, Kitty Monster still happily chewing away, and return to find the cat gone. Rat corpse? Well... some of it was gone. There was mainly a hind end - legs, tail, that sort of thing, and of course some lovely intestines trailing away from it. Mmmmmmmm. Taking a few steps back to muster up the oomph to squeegee rodent guts off the floor with a garden shovel I spy Monster Kitty sprawled smugly on the kitchen floor. "Damn you kitty," I say, pointing pointedly, "you should pick that up yourself." Monster Kitty proceeds to smugly throw up partially digested mouse bits all over the kitchen floor. Just perfect. "Don't eat that!" I shout to Dog #1 as she heads over to the mess to do just that. Why do people have pets again? Dog #1 obeys and I dart back to the front hall and manage to scoop the leftover bits up and toss them out the front door, knocking them golf-style off the stoop into the walkway border plants. So far so good. Unless you're the postman tomorrow morning, I suppose. Now for the... hang on... there's not quite as much bloody cat vomit as there was a moment ago. Dog #1 and Dog #2 are both out of sight. Probably practicing their innocuous, I'm-not-guilty whistling in the other room. Animals are just icky. Still there's enough left for me to clean up. I manage to prod it onto my trusty shovel with a paper towel and take it outside and dump it in the back lawn wondering vaguely if it will attract nasty wild animals but then decide that I'm living with a few already so what would it matter? So then it's time to clean the floors. Fine. No problem. A few paper towels and some spray cleaner. Good as new. So I figure, excellent. Job well done. Time for bed. Hmmmm, maybe I should just check the rest of the floors... you know, for a stray foot or something. So I peruse the living room floor in the half light cast by the hall light. Floor seems clean. But I'd better find a light switch and make certain. sigh. So I flip on the light and my suspicion is confirmed. The floor is fine. Squeaky clean, as it were. It's the couch that has a problem. Or more specifically it has a lovely pile of partially-digested critter innards. Super. At least there is a flannel sheet over said couch to protect it from animal hair. Well, I'm sure there's some animal hair in that mess somewhere. On the plus side, the sheet makes it easier to flip the bits onto the shovel. Oh boy. So another trip out to the lawn with a little offering to the wild scavengers out there. Catching sight of something white lurking by the fence, which may only be the neighborhood rival to Middle Cat or may be a slavering, rabid hyena with a craving for regurgitated rodent spurs me into emptying the shovel quickly in the grass and trotting back to the house while trying not to look like a total wussball. So that's it. Here it is 2 a.m., I am in bed with Littlest Kitty; Dog #1 and Dog #2 are snoozing on the bedroom carpet. I'm still tired, just like I was 2 hours ago, but somehow I'm too skeeved to feel like sleeping. And I'm still waiting for one of the dogs to sit up suddenly hurl his or her late-night snack onto the rug. Ugh. That's it. No pets for me. EVER!